I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
