My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
