Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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