Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
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