Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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