pop tarts are not kleenex
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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