i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
