I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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