The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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