Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
