i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
