so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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