Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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