i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
