its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
