you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im holly from the hills drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
