ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
