If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
