Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
