Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
