finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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