Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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