Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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