Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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