i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
