3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
