When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
