put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
