Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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