How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didn't shave. On purpose
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize