I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
