did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
