I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
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