i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
