does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
