Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
