Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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