Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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