I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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