You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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