You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
