NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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