I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
