Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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