My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
