you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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