i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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