I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize