If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
