can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
