He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
