you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
