i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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