Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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