just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize
