Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
