Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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