please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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