So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
