thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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