The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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