im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
