I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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