And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
