Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
