I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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