all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
