Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
