capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
