The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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