I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
