I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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