Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
