I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
