I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
