she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize