he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
