I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize