Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
