I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
