if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
ttyl tear gas
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
