I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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