I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
