For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I love you. Go after that dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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